I'm alive. However, the past few social excursions have taken a toll on me so I am not feeling real great, hence the lull in blog posts. I am just trying to stay as calm as possible to avoid triggering any major shifts in mood or an increase in anxiety. We are having my daughter's birthday party this Saturday. It will only be a small gathering of close family members here, but even that has me a little on edge. Plus, I am PMSing so my temper is on short circuit. I just want to stuff my face with chocolate and lay around watching Hulu. I am not a big TV watcher, but in addition to my regulars - The Middle, Modern Family, and The Goldbergs - I have found a show called Pramface that I started watching last night. These are the shows I catch up on when I can't sleep. I have other shows that I watch with Douglas before he goes to bed each afternoon (remember, he works night shift) that I just don't feel right watching without him. Our ultimate favorite is Dr. Who :)
Still, I'd rather choose a book over television, but sometimes when I am not feeling well I can't concentrate to read. TV doesn't take quite as much effort. The worst times are when I can't even concentrate on that, usually during the mixed states.
I have been feeling a strong pull to start working on my book again, but when I sit down to work on it I just can't get things in motion. I am so indecisive, it's ridiculous. And I keep letting that "you suck at this" voice talk me out of my drive to pursue its completion. I am not giving up, though. I may be moving as slow as a snail, so much so that it can hardly be called progress, but considering everything else I have going on in life, I don't think I am making excuses. I'm just really overwhelmed! As I have expressed on here before, I know there will come a time when I will have a little more free time to work on this dream of mine. And if I never get around to it (for the right reasons) then that just means it wasn't meant to be. My job is to sift through all the trivial excuses and make sure those aren't the things standing in my way. Watching TV is not a very good excuse, I know this. But this week I think I need the brainlessness that it provides. Hopefully I will feel more creative soon.