I think what sucks the most about depression is that no one wants to be around me when I am like this. And even if they did, I don't want to be around them. But at the same time I want-NEED-them to be. I just want a hug. A real hug. The kind of hug that lasts until I can't cry anymore. But who has time for that?

The Fix

Pills, pills, pills. 
Do they help? Do they hinder? 
Did I even take them today? I can't remember...


I am just angry at myself, because I was doing so well without them for a while, and actually felt like myself; like Amy, not an illness. I was doing so well...and yet I was doing horribly at the same time, and now I am doing absolutely horrible; more horrible than horrible, in fact; horribly horrible to the most horrible degree. But one pill makes me angry. The other one makes me stupid and also happens to make me want to eat large quantities of food, and that does happen even without me realizing I am eating all the food. The other one calms my nerves but makes me so numb and sleepy. It's not really life, or a living, or even remotely satisfying. I had weaned off all of these before because they were robbing my soul and poisoning my body--the pharmacy is only for shits and giggles and large quantities of money, after all--or at least that was my reasoning. So I was living, and living without pills, and living without the side effects, and living-managing-the symptoms through healthy choices and all that fun Barney happy stuff. And then life got more stressful than normal, and down down down I went. So the answer is...pills again. But the pills don't fix the problems in my life. They don't fix me. Twenty, thirty, who knows how many combinations have been tried so far, none of them "fix" it. More like a rather odd tasting bubble gum stuck over a cracked pipe, and I'm not even fond of chewing gum to begin with. It's just sticky and obnoxious. A sticky and obnoxious "fix" when the real problem is that I need a whole new pipe! How clever these doctors are. How clever the world as a whole is. Bubble gum! HA! 

Getting to Know Myself

Self-reflection is a noble thing. I don't think we can really know who we are until we sit down and actually acquaint ourselves with our own thoughts, feelings, ideas, and beliefs. It could be considered a form of meditation, a soul-searching experience, or just plain fun. A few devils may float out of the stirring pot; so may a few angels. I don't believe any of us are all good or all bad, and we shouldn't have to be. Like a dynamic character in a beloved book, our faults make us vulnerable, believable, real. It's time to stop hating certain aspects of our genetic make-up, of our quirks and misgivings, and start embracing ourselves as a whole, full spectrum individual.

I'm sure you have all lay witness to the posts on blogs, Facebook, and countless other social sites that urge you to write thirty random facts about yourself. I don't know about you, but these posts always cause me to draw a blank. I have enough trouble writing two-sentence biographies for web articles! I don't know anything else about myself! Yet, I was lying in bed last night, too tired to get up, but too charged to sleep, and I began thinking about certain tidbits of my personality. I finally decided to get up and write some of them down. This is what I came up with:

1.) I believe in soul mates, and I know I have found mine. Now, maybe we can put up with each other for the rest of our lives. I'm betting we will. 

2.) Sometimes I just really want to curl up to a soft, purring cat. Instead, I snuggle up to my son. A plus side to this: his fur doesn't make me cough. The down side: he doesn't stay asleep as long as a cat would. He does occasionally purr though.

3.) I am addicted to chapstick. I get the shakes and feel like my lips are going to peel off my face if I can't find it. I try to keep at least one stick in each room, and always, always some in my purse/diaper bag. 

4.) Ditto with hand sanitizer, only instead of my lips peeling off I feel like germ bugs are crawling all over my skin until I can slather on a stout helping of alcohol-based goodness. Repeatedly. In among several hand washings. I know all about super-germs, but OCD accepts no logic. Consequently, my hands are always dry and look like they should be attached a very old lady, or perhaps a bearded dragon. 

5.) Sometimes I find myself in awe that I have given birth to three healthy children. By far, they are the biggest accomplishments of my life, and they give me more joy and hope than anything else in this world. 

6.) I worry too much. About everything. And when I say everything, I mean E V E R Y T H I N G. I am a creative worrier, and consistent. If I haven't worried about it, it just means I haven't thought of it yet. But I will. 

7.) I love to learn. I have a very easily distracted attention span so it is hard for me to absorb much information at one time, but I have a strong curiosity for things, and I try to learn at least one new thing a day. Even if it's just reading a study that proves more people use blue toothbrushes than red ones.

8.) My toothbrush is green.

9.) One of my most cherished memories from childhood is the Mushroom Game my dad and I used to play together. This consisted of running around in our yard and seeing who could stomp on the most mushrooms. What I would give to play one more round with him.

10.) I really miss my dad. He passed away in 2010. I am still a Daddy's Girl to the core, and I honor his memory by putting my best effort into things that I think would make him proud. I just wish I had accomplished more when he was alive.

11.) As much as I am on the computer, and as much as I love organization, I hate online calendars and to-do lists. These things must be handwritten on paper. They just have to be. THEY HAVE TO BE!

12.) I'm a lot more tired than someone my age should be.

13.) I love to write. Well, actually, I hate to write because it feels like my insides are being stretched and pulled and it hurts my head and it's exhausting. But I love to have written, to look back on it and, amid the many mistakes I undeniably will find, to see my heart in print...I love that part, and it makes the torture worth it. Most of the time.

14.) You know those oooh and aaaah sounds that most people make when they see an adorable baby, a cute little kitten, or a puppy? Those are the sounds I make when I see a spider. I just want to scoop it up and give it little spider kisses. Common sense prevents this from happening, since spiders tend to bite rather than kiss, but I love them all the same.

15.) My favorite number is seven. I'm also partial to numbers that are divisible by five, and thirteen. There is a "bad number" that I avoid whenever possible (and it makes me cringe when I can't avoid it--this makes reading counting books to my son very difficult). I won't type it here but here's a hint: it comes right before seven. So yes, the best follows the worst.

16.) Ironically, the "bad number" was my favorite as a child and I had to do everything by this number. I don't recall at what age this changed or why.

17.) I am very forgiving of others. I am rarely forgiving of myself.

18.) I can't watch the news, horror movies, or soap operas. The first two are because they invoke panic attacks; the latter because I just really hate soap operas.

19.) I'm a hypochondriac, and Google is my worst enemy.

20.) I am addicted to the Internet, and yes, I actually have looked up the signs of it up on Google. 

21.) I am a socially awkward person. Aside from the social anxiety, if that aspect of my character didn't exist, I imagine I would still have trouble communing with others. I'm never witty on time, my voice is so soft that half of what I say goes unnoticed anyway, and to be honest I don't really enjoy talking to people in the first place. 

22.) I am afraid of talking on the phone. It might steal my soul. If you call and I don't answer, or if I never call you back, this is why. I'm sorry. It's nothing personal. 

23.) I am in love with Sheldon Cooper. My fiancé is totally okay with this.

24.) I'm fairly partial to Spiderman as well.

25.) I refuse to refer to myself as "crazy" or to say "I'm bipolar". I have bipolar disorder. I'm not crazy, I'm Amy. The phrasing may mean nothing to some, but it means everything to me. 

26.) I really hate when people believe something about me that isn't true. It seems to me that quiet, distant people are the easiest to just assume things about. But if you really knew me, you would be quite surprised about a lot of things, I'm sure. 

27.) I still believe I will publish a book one day. This will require a lot more effort than I have put forth thus far. Yesterday I rewrote the first page to a book I had started eight years ago. At this rate, I may be in my seventies before it's completed, which means I better take better care of myself if I want to live that long! But I'm done with the insistent self-nagging that I should have been published by now. When I turned thirty, it was a major concern of mine. I felt like a failure. Thirty years old, with no completed college degree, and no completed manuscript. It really took it's toll on my mindset, and every year since then the self-hatred has gotten all the more grotesque. But I'm done with that. It will happen when it happens. And if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. What a freeing concept! It allows me to write without a twelve ton critic on my back digging his claws into every notion I have of success. 

28.) I am extremely sensitive to loud and/or sudden noises. This includes but is not excluded to vacuum cleaners, toasters, concerts, incessantly squealing children, construction work, chainsaws, applause, and thunder. 

29.) After much thought (and crying, and suicidal thoughts, and anger toward others and myself) I have come to this conclusion about a particular recent circumstance: I cannot control others' thoughts or actions. I can only control my own. I know the truth, at least to the point where I am concerned, and that is enough. If others want to think unkindly of me for something I had nothing to do with, so be it. It's petty, it's hurtful, but it's out of my hands. Illegitimi non carborundum.

30.) I am a work in progress. We all are. Stop judging my journey and walk your own.

The Circus

Stupidity likes to prance around in clown suits and wave big batons and yell through bullhorns "Look at me! I'm right! Look at all the clever ways I can prove it!" And Intelligence gets offended, sets out to silence Stupidity by wearing fancier suits and waving bigger batons and yelling much, much louder. Big ol' clown war, confetti shooting out everywhere. Before long, it's hard to tell who is on the side of Stupidity and who is on the side of Intelligence. Nothing is accomplished but there are lots of flashy colors littered about for the whole world to see. Many join in the ruckus, and others just sit back and enjoy the show. The few members of the Wisdom committee shuffle along among the outskirts, doing the hard labor so often neglected by those too busy with lead roles in the circus. For a moment they pause, consider the outcome of asking the baton wavers and bullhorn yellers to shut up, settle down, and help them carry out more noble chores. With a heavy sigh, they decide it is useless, a bargaining with the devil, and set out once again to do the quiet, colorless work they know must be done. Their brooms sweep about where they can fit, deep into the crevices of humanity, to do the changing, the mending, the making. If only those clowns would get out of the way.

Men and Depression

Are you tired and irritable all the time? Have you lost interest in your work, family, or hobbies? Are you having trouble sleeping and feeling angry or aggressive, sad, or worthless? Have you been feeling like this for weeks or months?

If so, you may have depression.

What is depression?

Everyone feels sad or irritable sometimes, or has trouble sleeping occasionally. But these feelings and troubles usually pass after a couple of days. When a man has depression, he has trouble with daily life and loses interest in anything for weeks at a time.

Both men and women get depression. But men can experience it differently than women. Men may be more likely to feel very tired and irritable, and lose interest in their work, family, or hobbies. They may be more likely to have difficulty sleeping than women who have depression. And although women with depression are more likely to attempt suicide, men are more likely to die by suicide.

Many men do not recognize, acknowledge, or seek help for their depression. They may be reluctant to talk about how they are feeling. But depression is a real and treatable illness. It can affect any man at any age. With the right treatment, most men with depression can get better and gain back their interest in work, family, and hobbies.

"My daily routine was shot. I didn't have the energy to do anything. I got up because the dog had to be walked and my wife needed to go to work. The day would go by and I didn't know where it went. I wanted to get back to normal. I just wanted to be myself again."
—Jimmy Brown, Firefighter

What are the different forms of depression?

The most common types of depression are:

Major depression—severe symptoms that interfere with a man's ability to work, sleep, study, eat, and enjoy most aspects of life. An episode of major depression may occur only once in a person's lifetime. But more often, a person can have several episodes.

Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia—depressive symptoms that last a long time (2 years or longer) but are less severe than those of major depression.

Minor depression—similar to major depression and dysthymia, but symptoms are less severe and may not last as long.

What are the signs and symptoms of depression in men?

Different people have different symptoms. Some symptoms of depression include:

• Feeling sad or "empty"
• Feeling hopeless, irritable, anxious, or angry
• Loss of interest in work, family, or once-pleasurable activities, including sex
• Feeling very tired
• Not being able to concentrate or remember details
• Not being able to sleep, or sleeping too much
• Overeating, or not wanting to eat at all
• Thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts
• Aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems
• Inability to meet the responsibilities of work, caring for family, or other important activities.

What causes depression in men?

Several factors may contribute to depression in men.

Genes—men with a family history of depression may be more likely to develop it than those whose family members do not have the illness.

Brain chemistry and hormones—the brains of people with depression look different on scans than those of people without the illness. Also, the hormones that control emotions and mood can affect brain chemistry.

Stress—loss of a loved one, a difficult relationship or any stressful situation may trigger depression in some men.

Most of the time, it is likely a combination of these factors.

How is depression treated?

The first step to getting the right treatment is to visit a doctor or mental health professional. He or she can do an exam or lab tests to rule out other conditions that may have the same symptoms as depression. He or she can also tell if certain medications you are taking may be affecting your mood.

The doctor needs to get a complete history of symptoms. Tell the doctor when the symptoms started, how long they have lasted, how bad they are, whether they have occurred before, and if so, how they were treated. Tell the doctor if there is a history of depression in your family.

Medication

Medications called antidepressants can work well to treat depression. But they can take several weeks to work. Antidepressants can have side effects including:

• Headache
• Nausea, feeling sick to your stomach
• Difficulty sleeping and nervousness
• Agitation or restlessness
• Sexual problems.

Most side effects lessen over time. Talk to your doctor about any side effects you may have.

It's important to know that although antidepressants can be safe and effective for many people, they may present serious risks to some, especially children, teens, and young adults. A "black box"—the most serious type of warning that a prescription drug can have—has been added to the labels of antidepressant medications. These labels warn people that antidepressants may cause some people to have suicidal thoughts or make suicide attempts, especially those who become agitated when they first start taking the medication and before it begins to work. Anyone taking antidepressants should be monitored closely, especially when they first start taking them.

For most people, though, the risks of untreated depression far outweigh those of antidepressant medications when they are used under a doctor's supervision. Careful monitoring by a professional will also minimize any potential risks.

Therapy

Several types of therapy can help treat depression. Some therapies are just as effective as medications for certain types of depression. Therapy helps by teaching new ways of thinking and behaving, and changing habits that may be contributing to the depression. Therapy can also help men understand and work through difficult situations or relationships that may be causing their depression or making it worse.

"I lost interest with the kids and doing things that we used to do. . . they'd ask their mother, ‘Why is Daddy not getting up and not wanting to do anything with us?' ‘Did we do anything?' They didn't do anything to me. I just didn't want to do anything."
—Rene Ruballo, Police Officer

How can I help a loved one who is depressed?

If you know someone who has depression, first help him find a doctor or mental health professional and make an appointment.

• Offer him support, understanding, patience, and encouragement.
• Talk to him, and listen carefully.
• Never ignore comments about suicide, and report them to his therapist or doctor.
• Invite him out for walks, outings and other activities. If he says no, keep trying, but don't push him to take on too much too soon.
• Encourage him to report any concerns about medications to his health care provider.
• Ensure that he gets to his doctor's appointments.
• Remind him that with time and treatment, the depression will lift.

How can I help myself if I am depressed?

As you continue treatment, gradually you will start to feel better. Remember that if you are taking an antidepressant, it may take several weeks for it to start working. Try to do things that you used to enjoy before you had depression. Go easy on yourself. Other things that may help include:

• See a professional as soon as possible. Research shows that getting treatment sooner rather than later can relieve symptoms quicker and reduce the length of time treatment is needed.
• Break up large tasks into small ones, and do what you can as you can. Don't try to do too many things at once.
• Spend time with other people and talk to a friend or relative about your feelings.
• Do not make important decisions until you feel better. Discuss decisions with others who know you well.

Where can I go for help?

If you are unsure where to go for help, ask your family doctor. You can also check the phone book for mental health professionals or check with your insurance carrier to find someone who participates in your plan. Hospital doctors can help in an emergency.

What if I or someone I know is in crisis?

Men with depression are at risk for suicide. If you or someone you know is in crisis, get help quickly.

• Call your doctor.
• Call 911 for emergency services.
• Go to the nearest hospital emergency room.
• Call the toll-free, 24-hour hotline of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255); TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY (1-800-799-4889).

"It starts slowly and the only person you're talking to is yourself. You're lost. It's dark, the pain is twenty-four seven... you just want it to end... I'd drink and... I tried to numb my head... but you have to deal with it. It doesn't just go away."
—Patrick McCathern, First Sergeant, U.S. Air Force, Retired

"It affects the way you think. It affects the way you feel. It affects the way you love... It's just a blanket that covers everything... and it's one that's just so asphyxiating. And at times you just say it's enough already. It just feels like enough."
—Steve Lappen, Writer

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