Wednesday, December 04, 2013
I am going to do something I don't normally do. When my fiance wakes up I am going to ask him to help me out. Mainly, to do some laundry and wash some dishes. It's not that he is unwilling to help me. It's just that he usually doesn't unless I ask. And I never ask.
It's a guilt thing. I feel like I should take care of all the domestic stuff since he works outside the home and goes to school. His plate is full. So I try to take care of all the cleaning and cooking and most of the childrearing. I like these traditional roles. It works for us. Most of the time.
But right now, I don't even want to look at my surroundings. I shudder at the thought of someone knocking on the door because I would be so embarrassed to have them see how messy the house is. I was already falling behind on chores due to holiday depression (more on that in a later post...maybe), but I have been sick with a nasty spell of bronchitis for the past several days so now that little-behind-on-chores has turned into an all-out pigsty. Something about being unable to sit upright for longer than five minutes without fainting all while a toddler has full awareness that his mother can't run after him and prevent his messy curiosities makes a home look a bit terrifying. Normally I would just let it go until I feel better all while hating myself for being such a failure at housewifedom, but I can't take it any more. At least the dishes need to be washed. And we are running out of clean clothes to wear. The kitchen floor really needs a good sweeping, but I probably won't mention that to him. Because, you know, I would feel guilty.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
I wish I could rewire my brain so I don't get so hurt by certain things. Like, when I care about someone and then I realize I don't matter to them, that they can just toss me aside like I'm nothing; it makes me wish I didn't care about anyone. But then I guess I wouldn't be me if I didn't care about people. That's a big part of who I am. I'm one of those people who tries to see the best in others no matter what. It just really hurts when it seems like everyone else wants to do the opposite, just see the worst in me.
I have often wondered if the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder would not fit me better than Bipolar Disorder. It seems that more often than not my moods depend so much on how those around me are acting. My need to please, my fear of abandonment, my overreactions and all-or-nothing thinking...it's possible, I suppose. I did have a therapist tell me one time that I exhibited a lot of the symptoms of BPD but that the treatment for it and bipolar were essentially the same so there was no real need to officially change the diagnosis. I had another one tell me that most therapists don't want to work with those with BPD because they were so "difficult" - his words, not mine. So, whether it would make any difference, good or bad, to have a change in diagnosis, who knows. If you have any experience with it, feel free to comment and let me know.
Other than that, it's the same ol' same ol'. I had been doing pretty well and then a lot of things have happened in the past two days that have really dragged me down and now I can't seem to get out of this awful depression. The house is a wreck, there's a sink full of dirty dishes, I haven't done my son's learning lesson yet today (we normally do it at 3p.m.) and I can't help thinking everyone either hates me or doesn't care enough to have any feeling for me at all. I'm not sure which one is worse.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I am going to try to blog something since it has been a few days (I know, I've been such a slacker lately) but I am fighting off the beginning of a migraine, so it will probably be fairly brief and pointless. It has been a rough day. I had something happen earlier that really upset me, and I am trying to put it behind me and enjoy the rest of the daylight. This is a common problem with me, and I assume it has a lot to do with the bipolarness of my brain. I can't just halfway take anything, I have to fall all to pieces over it, and then I'm left exhausted and wondering why the hell I let myself get so worked up about it in the first place. Gotta love that all-or-nothing thinking. Anyway, I am going to try to pull myself together now. I have company coming for supper, for one thing. I need to get the ball rolling on preparations for that. The house is a mess. I need to tidy up and start cooking. I need to take something for this migraine before it gets too far out of hand for meds to work on it. I need to CHILL OUT! over all other worries in my mind. Why is this the hardest part? What's it like to let things roll over me and not get stuck in my teeth? I must research this. I must find the magic cesspool of no-worries living. Because, you know, it's out there. That perfect way of living. I just have to find it and make it mine.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Really not doing well today. It started with a severe panic attack last night, and I just can't get a grip on my emotions now. It's disappointing because I have been doing so well lately. I've had stable moods and a relatively low (for me) amount of anxiety, and then BOOM! It's all back again. What changed? How do I transform so suddenly from a well person to a panicked, depressed crying mess? All I know is I have to take it easy today so as to avoid another panic attack. It figures that my son is in extra-busy-toddler-mode today, judging by the fact that he has somehow gotten jelly all over every single Ziploc bag in the box and then threw my cup of sweet tea all over the desk. And believe me when I say sticky does not mesh well with my OCD habits. Sticky is bad! So my anxiety is in overdrive, mega mega huge overdrive. Now everything in the house feels sticky and contaminated and wrong. But. I. Must. Calm. Down.
Please, God, help me make it through the day.
Wednesday, November 06, 2013
I am having serious withdrawals from Candy Crush Saga. I want it. I NEED IT! But, I am determined to keep it blocked. At least for now. I have to do this from time to time, when I realize I am getting too obsessive about the stupid game. Sometimes it just stays blocked a day or two. Sometimes it's longer. I think two months is the longest block I've ever managed. I just know when I start seeing pieces of candy in my dreams and can't stop thinking about it throughout the day, it's time to take a break.
Incidentally, I have also chosen to work on the elimination of sodas from my diet. And when I say "chosen" I really mean we are broke and it's an expense I need to learn to do without. But even if we weren't having trouble putting food on the table, I know the sodas are unhealthy. They certainly aren't helping me lose these ever-accumulating pounds, nor are they good for my teeth. And the caffeine doesn't even do that much for me anymore. So. No more purchases of soda. It's settled, whether I like it or not.
Oh, and another change: I officially discontinued my Bipolarly Facebook page. It's not that I don't care about people anymore. But I just can't keep doing this to myself. The distractions from my family and home have to go. I will continue blogging, but even that is going to be more for my own benefit than anyone else's. That may sound selfish, but hear me out on it. I am a homemaker. That's my "job". Sure, I occasionally proofread or sell an article or story, but my main function in this family is taking care of everyone and providing a sanitary living space with adequately prepared meals. That doesn't necessarily mean I have to put all my writing dreams on hold or that I can't pursue other interests, like mental health advocacy. But, like Candy Crush, my Facebook page had become something I obsessed over. When I wasn't working on its content or answering comments and private messages, I was still thinking about it - nonstop. I would check it every few minutes to see how many "likes" something got or if anyone had commented, and then I would over-analyze what their comments meant, whether they were being funny or rude. And then I would try to figure out how to respond to them, depending on how I interpreted their intent. And then when I received negative messages I would get upset and hate myself because someone misinterpreted my good intentions for something offensive. It was maddening! During my own mental battles, I was caving under the pressure of trying to help others and seemingly failing so, so badly. I was blessed to have Pepper Vintage help me out as a guest administrator so I could take a much needed break, and during that reprieve I realized just how much of a toll something as simple as a Facebook page was having on me. As I began to ease my way back into working with the page, I felt the shift in my attitude about it. It just wasn't something I wanted to do anymore. It's not because I have suddenly stopped caring about trying to offer encouragement and inspiration to others. It's just that it's not worth losing my own health over. I thought about keeping the page published and simply not posting anything else, but I have tried that before and it didn't work out. I always continued to check it for likes and comments whether there were any new ones or not. I was still carrying the burden of it. So last night, I let go of that burden, and I don't intend on picking it back up. At least not any time soon.
Sometimes you have to let go of some things so that you can really grasp what is important. I feel good about the new changes I have made. I feel mentally sound and healthy. I am ready to focus on my priorities, as a homemaker and mother, and on maintaining a healthy mental status. My youngest child is two years old, and this precious (albeit stressful) era will pass swiftly. I want to be fully present for it. Not caught up in a silly game or obsessing over whether people like me or not.